I cannot bring myself to care enough about this game to complete it. It is a cruel, blue-balling dominatrix that never moves past the cat-o-nine-tails phase of our devious misadventure. Attempting the same fifteen-second run over and over again for an hour with little to no progress – and at some points, regress – is not how I would like to spend my precious solitary hours outside of work. Actually conquering a stage after innumerable failings and growled obscenities brings me no joy, no pleasure, no catharsis. It only allows me a brief moment of introspection where I weep for my torment to end.
But I do not have any such obligation to carry on this ruse of masochism. And although it does make my heart heavy to place an ellipsis on this journey rather than a full stop, I feel that nothing good can come from being obstinate and continuing this delusion of the necessity of closure and finality.
In total seriousness and without any hyperbole, this game can go f**k itself to hell and back with a hydrogen bomb.
Again and again I restart these later stages and it just… doesn’t click. I know what I should be doing. I know the pattern. I know where to shoot and when to shoot and how to maneuver the landscape. I understand the parts, but I cannot put the pieces together in the correct order to form the whole. I twitch and flail and spurt purple projectiles all over the g*****n earth, but rarely do my best attempts go rewarded. There is always some small mistake that is made that sends me back to square one to try again, only this time with slightly more hate-glazed eyes and an ever-tightening grip on the “W” key and left mouse button.
I feel simultaneously terrible for doing this write-up before finishing the game and perfectly fine with never having to look at its playful pastel world ever again.
If you were hoping for more than this, I’m sorry – I just can’t do this anymore. Not right now, at least. Perhaps I can return after some time away – after spending time doing something less stressful and more enjoyable and fulfilling – and finish my task.
But for now, this chapter in my gaming history will be indefinitely dog-eared.
And if this all seems melodramatic, then all I can say is you have no f*****g idea how FURIOUS this game makes me, time and time again, without fail. Every new stage is a new circle of hell to suffer through. I’m not cut out for this style of gameplay. There’s other stuff out there for me, so I won’t waste any more of my time on it.